talking to you makes me sad sometimes, like standing in a museum mortified staring at a work of art i've damaged, too prideful to be scared of security and unwilling to run away anyway. fiction comes much harder when i've got this sincerity burning a hole through my attempts to have the ol' pomo inspirations create pages of vaguery with no particular focus other than the focus itself and perhaps some gestalt impression of a utopian world populated by beautiful hitchhiking emo hobos (QC, 2005) mingling with unshaven bodhisattva intellectuals and struggling coercive musician/scientist boy wonders. but that world only exists for the fortuitous few, and they're all young, and i can't stay surrounded by my friends forever, and i don't know what to do about all the people who want to grow up to be farmers and suburbanites, listening to classic rock Q107 until the day they day, throwing barbecues instead of parties for drinking and kissing and reminiscing with work associates about when the office was younger with their mouths but when they were younger with their minds.

let's get focused. there's the sincere bullshit, the self-doubt bullshit, the call-to-arms bullshit, and the cohen-wannabe prettiness (when it's good), which is still bullshit. i was getting on a bit of a roll at the end of that last paragraph, even though it was a little call-to-arms-y for my liking. hopefully more in that vein today. i was going to say "later today", but you say i'm going to do something earlier today, so the word "later" in the sentence woulda been completely redundant.

jerkface

we listen to what we listen to because it is us. things must have been simpler in the 70s, because "i don't need to fight to prove i'm right" just doesn't sum it up anymore. our fight isn't for us, it's for everything that's good, sometimes including us. it's for compassion and beauty and sympathy and joy. this is an uphill struggle. we like vague statements more than direct ones because our thoughts and emotions are vague. being young isn't nicely summed up by holden caulfield and the rolling stones anymore. yes, amazingly, things have changed quite a bit - it wasn't succinct for its time, it was merely appropiate - and i do believe that we're nobler now than we were - this isn't about proving we're right anymore. we know we are, and that isn't the point. and sure, sometimes the embrace of sillyness like fashion and elitism could appear unnecessary - but it's all means for the same noble end and that gives it actualization and meaning. how many ugly people are you friends with? fighting it all is part of the greater cause...and, of course, our cause is about as likely as those ridiculous quantum mechanics statistics to accomplish anything other than be a mere blip on the radar. that gives us romance, but i think the following and belief is more in line with "we might as well do the right thing even if it's not going to accomplish anything" than genuine hope. cynicism is too often mistaken for quitting. but i'll never be brought down by nothing losers bitching into their adidas handbags that we're snobs or unfair. and that's why i dislike "heritage." i do not like supporting any institution that encourages judging people for reasons other than the content of their character. when i graduate, let's move to toronto and get married.

also: fuck, my housemate elise is hot.